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Lucid Loquacity

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Redial [Sep. 22nd, 2005|08:43 pm]
Lucid Loquacity

novelnovelchunk

[theravenpigeon]
The call had ended, and he sat there, motionless, holding the reciever against his right ear. The steady dial tone sounded but was not heard: he was too busy listening to his own internal thoughts to notice it.

A machine spoke, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up, and then dial your operator." The message repeated, then silence. Then obnoxiously loud beeping, the indication that he should have hung up by now.

He realized, at this precise moment, that all he wanted was to be with her, to hold her in his arms, to know that everything would be alright. He needed to tell her that he loved her. He needed to call her back.

He hung up and tried again.

(Long-time watcher, first-time poster)
(Advanced critique encouraged)
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Comments:
From: ebonsunday
2005-09-23 02:20 am (UTC)
im all goosebumpy. (no, thats not advanced critique but thats ok) im a cheesy romantic. hehe. i like it. bye
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: theravenpigeon
2005-09-23 02:22 am (UTC)
I should have put "compliments accepted as well" up there.

Thanks =)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: popjunky
2005-09-23 10:32 pm (UTC)
I think it would have been more powerful in the first person. As it is, it's a little flatlined. Especially this part:

He realized, at this precise moment, that all he wanted was to be with her, to hold her in his arms, to know that everything would be alright. He needed to tell her that he loved her. He needed to call her back.

Actually, only that part. It seems like it's saying what it's saying to keep from looking deeper and saying what it really means.

Everything else is very unusual and honest.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: escapingrome
2006-07-17 12:33 am (UTC)
Actually, I think the third person contributed to the whole sense I assumed you were going for. The vagueness and language seemed to be painting a very classical picture; it could be any guy, with any girl, anywhere in time. Especially since we weren't given any idea of what the man or woman was like, it allows you to step into their shoes. At the same time, the specificity of the writing (what the operator said, needing to call her back) contrasts nicely.

However, I have to agree that when it's supposed to be at its most intense, the lines Popjunky cited sound hollow. You can try omitting that part and just going to "he needed to call her back". Maybe find some way for the reader to imagine it themselves?
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